the GIANTS in my life

Ever since school started in aug, i felt as if i lost my sense of joy and happiness. i felt more strongly during the middle of the midterm break (which is last week), where i just couldn't help but feel directionless.

suddenly, it seemed as though my life lacked purpose. all i did each day was just Go to sch, Come back home, Do work, Sleep. how tiring it was when i saw no purpose behind all these. even though i could go out, i somehow felt like any sense of joy was robbed from me and i didn't want to even hang out much with my friends.

no idea why, but i began to reject connections with my friends and the many times they asked me out diminished to not bothering to ask me out at all, knowing full well that i'll reject them. i felt guilty, but i did not do anything about it. i kept telling myself that i have to go home and finish my work. perhaps then, when i've accomplished doing them will i spend time with my friends. i don't want to neglect my work. but work never ends... that i sadly learnt recently.

during the midterm break, i promised myself that i will accomplish my work well before school starts again. so, i will have time to go out and truly spend time with my friends - without any burdens of work on my back. somehow, temptations crept in and when the holidays were nearing an end, i panicked. i felt useless as things did not go as i planned. my purpose of life revolved around school work. and so when my plans failed, it seemed that my purpose in life was lost. although it seems dramatic now, but i truly felt so lost back a couple of days ago that i refused to do anymore work. "what's the point when work never ends anyway?" that's what i thought to myself.

then back on monday, upon the start of sch again, i entered my class and i mentally told myself to believe that i've done sufficient work in the holidays, and i did not waste my entire week. cliques from around me started asking one another, "Eh! You did your assignments already anot? Next week must hand in leh!", "Sian lor, next week got so many work to hand in!" Seriously, when i heard that, i freaked out. i've always thought that the essays were to be handed in much later... This time i really panicked.

Just yesterday, I was led to read a previous letter that my friend in JC gave to me just before the As. i was quite surprised at myself as i seldom looked back on my old letters. But i just felt this prompting and this desire once again to read the letter, as if it was just given to me, i wanted to know the contents.

It wrote,
"This is supposed to be a letter of encouragement, but i think you need to relax instead. (._.''') see you like very stress, later go crazy how...?? studying isnt wrong la, but sometimes too much pressure can backfire too ya know? Just tell yourself you can do it -
YOU NEED CONFIDENCE!"

It's funny how God speaks sometimes. The words spoke so vividly to me that i teared upon reading it. Simple words of encouragement, similar scenario. It never occurred to me that i pressured myself. I realised now that I do, even though I always thought that stressing myself is for my good.

Throughout the whole of last week, I kept asking God to show me my purpose once again.
"I'm lost Lord! Guide me, will you?"
Yes, I know, surrender to the Lord and He will answer and help me find what I seek. But i still wasn't able to hear from Him. I went to church that week asking Him to speak to me. "Lord I want your assurance today. Take away my burdens plz!"

Today, He spoke to me. Through quiet time.
And so here I am, speaking to you too.

In times when things go bad, I am used to people saying, "I'll pray for you."
This is what I say to others too.
But many a times, we quickly turn to the Father when we have problems.
How about times when we have joy? Shouldnt we practise turning to Him too?

He gave me my sense of direction and my purpose in life again.
Although living in this material world often overwhelms us, our sense of direction should be to Him.
To look and trust in Him, and believe that He truly has a purpose for all we are going through, no matter the pain we are feeling right now. Simple as it is, I often struggle with it.

I'm sharing with you right now of my JOY that things are finally going right for me!
Will you pray for me?

:)