The diary is sooo dead. let me write about my own thoughts.

As I was reading the newspapers today just like any other day----I read about jobless graduates in singapore. A thought struck me how dumb I was not to look beyond my problems to look at others who are worst off than me. I thank GOD for the timing couldn’t have been more strategic to place an outing with my frens before the day the article was to be released on the papers. To hear about ee pin ( a graduate doing factory work in melbourne) n doreen ( unemployed graduate doing tuition work for half a year liao), I am so much better off with barely one month of unemployment. Actually I feel much more optimistic n happier about my situation now. How could I have become so terribly worried n stress…I am supposed to be enjoying my holidays. So typical of me to worry non-stop. The problem with me is that I have become too disillusioned for my own good. My plans for now are to enjoy my holidays n take up relief teaching in july while on the lookout for marketing related jobs. $65 for half a day of work is a lot. This is my trump card with previous teaching experience. Any job is better than no job. Most importantly my family understand my difficulties n support my plans. i am not some outstanding graduate....i am just like the rest who are sadly competing with each other to join the rat race. I will do it as long as it takes to find a job that I like. Thank GOD i was blind but now I see. If anyone is reading this.......i thank you all for ur prayers. luv fiona

words can never be enough.

hey i came across an article that this christian guy wrote about living an unmarrried life for GOD. will quote a short extract that is touching n can apply to all situations.

My heart is fixed not on my glory, but on bringing glory to my Lord. He is the love of my life. His glory means everything to me. And the pain of sacrifice fades in significance when I gaze upon the One who sacrificed his all for me. We love because he first loved us (1 John 4:19). He loved by suffering for us. We, likewise, love by suffering. Like a little boy longing to be like Daddy, his hero, I joyfully follow in the footsteps of my suffering Lord.

from fiona

Hi guys fiona here! Right now stuck in my office typing this because they have got nth much for me to do…so very bored. Its amazing how everyone can go on living or working like usual when so much so much has happened over the weekend. I just feel like standing up n scream that people r mourning and dying out there while we still can sit at our office desks in front of the comp. We just dun knoe how lucky we r…our little red dot would probably have sunk if the tsunami had hit a diff direction. But we must still go on living our lives….i must go on living happy that I am still alive. The headlines of yesterday’s streats struck me “ it was as if GOD had released his anger” how true…affected countries with a high percentage of non-believers. It also struck me that ever since christmas day it has been raining regularly everyday…it feels like GOD is crying for the many lost souls. Its occurrence on christmas day needs no explanation what it can represent. So sad how sad. I know what I can do at least…I want to tell you all that u guys are great n I luv yah lots. I am thankful and grateful to have u all as frens! Let’s continue to pray for lost souls.

Thank you des n von for affirming my self confidence n image. U guys (all of u), church n GOD have been filling up the vacuum that I have reserved for that special someone by stealing away my weekend. No idle time no idle thots! its great to be single sometimes. No boyfren no luv problems n headaches! But dun u think e easiest person to get along is URSELF. crushes r okay so long as u dun invest too much luv, time n effort into it. Being single u often find urself the butt of teasing with every available guy but oh well i am getting used to it n mastering e art of acting blur. been too good looking i realised its quite a headache when u ve too many choices...u just find urself caught in a dilemma. i nv had such a headache before! in the meantime i will just continue acting like a high school girl having crushes now n then n concentrate on graduating n finishing my attachment. zhuzhu (my male pet rabbit) is gd enough for the time being...he is my little angel that showers me with his unconditional luv n joy. My 2005 new year resolution is to step out of this depressive mode n be positive.

P/s: So sorry regina if I snapped at u that day….really u dun have to introduce anyone to me..if it was meant to be whoever would have noticed me n thus needing no introduction at all. Let me learn how to luv GOD wholeheartedly first, I dun want to be a burden to anyone.

hello all~
this is yvonne here. would just like to affirm fiona for sharing her heart during the Retreat. i so wanted to tell her that she is not alone in feeling that way too. about the whole boyfriend thingy. but i didn't really know what to say after that, guess i had to organize my thoughts n put them down here.

i had manophobia before and i want to announce that i am no longer afflicted by it. i really used to dread talking to guys and really hating it whenever guys are invited to outings. i'm just a little shy now talking to guys, but the phobia is gone. as i've claimed in my blog before to overcome manophobia by the end of this year. and Praise God! haha i did. i asked God to give me guy friends too, because in sol i had learnt that it is good to have a balance of guy and gal friends. and He did. sending a couple of them along my way haha.

but of course there are days when i feel doubtful about myself because everyone around me seems to be attached or to have guys interested in them except for me. i felt that having a guy interested in me would make me feel better and more confident about myself. i guess alot of girls face this sort of issue, but few really articulate it out loud. and the fact that fiona had the courage to share it really touched me.

but i know that that is a lie. about the fact that i need a guy to make me worthy. but i believe today that i am beautiful and pretty in my own way. because my lovely sisters and mother here always tell me so. and i am starting to believe in that too. :D you can see that i have more confidence in me as compared to before~ so fiona, you ARE beautiful and pretty in your own way too. as we all are.

mel always preached about "unyoked relationships" but that i feel it is just a symptom of something deeper. it's about being confident and satisfied in God. because when you are, not even Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise will waver you. it's an easy thing to say, but it takes alot of struggle and working through to get there. and i am still getting through to it.

it is not wrong to have the desire to want someone to love and like you i guess. coz God placed those desires in us in the first place. but to serve God must be the first thing on our minds and He has promised us, "Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and all the rest shall be added unto you." [my fav verse hehe]

yep yep, and i admire valerie too for her decision to even decide to serve God wholeheartedly and breakaway from past r/s. it's not an easy thing, and God will honour that decision. hmmm think i have said alot...but wow. i think i am good. hahah.

maybe i should go write a book instead. heh.

Wanna share a song from Nadine's worship in Encounter Weekend. She said it was the song that led her dad to accept Christ the first time he heard it. Hope it speaks to us too ;)

Majesty (Here I Am) by Delirious

Here I am
humbled by your Majesty
Covered by your grace so free
Here I am, knowing I'm a sinful man
Covered by the blood of the Lamb

Now I've found the greatest love of all is mine
Since you laid down your life
The greatest sacrifice

Majesty, Majesty
Your grace has found me just as I am
Empty handed, but alive in your hands
Majesty, Majesty
Forever I am changed by your love
In the presence of your Majesty

Here I am
humbled by the love that you give
Forgiven so that I can forgive
Here I stand, knowing that I'm your desire
Sanctified by glory and fire

Now I've found the greatest love of all is mine
Since you laid down your life
The greatest sacrifice

Hey hey!! I miss YOU people! Two weeks of not meeting the cell alr. Update me on the happenings pleaseee? Looking forward to tmr's magicBox, and you know what? We have a new member (ZL's friend) who's a drummer! But he's a guy [so can't keep permanently :( ]

I just came back from Encounter. It's so wow! for me... This EW does not have many of those wailings, that is the people there not super emotional like those EWs I've gone before. But I cried so much. It was not a easy task going as a guide especially for people I do not really know. I was scared for a few nights... and I must say it's really hard. But God is good!! Other than letting me return back to the basics like the cross and His love, He also healed me. I really thank God for doing a great work in the BP cell. I thank God for every breakthrough in their lives. It wasn't easy for them too. I guess this EW is special 'cos almost all of us went through some kind of inner turmoil... each in a different area. Nadine had it when she had to lead worship, Mel had it when she had to do teaching for one session, the BP girls had it for their different struggles surrending different areas to God, I had it when I had to be alone with unfamiliar people. I thank God that yes, everything came out GOOD! We all overcame! His love sustained us through... I wanna confess that the only reason y i went EW was 'cos of mere obedience out of love for GOd. I said I wanna pick up the cross to follow Him and so I went tho I was so fearful. And to me, it wasn't easy... but He held my hands and walked with me through. And I thank God I'm blessed by the Encounter and the people. So I encourage us all to take the step of faith out of love and I trust that He'll bring us through, no matter how tough. ;)

hello here i am again~ hehe i promised earlier that i would post a revelation right? but i think today i shall post something else...because i feel that this verse speaks very close to my heart.

1 samuel 12: 20, 22

"Do not be afraid," Samuel replied "You have done all this evil; yet do not turn away from the Lord, but serve the Lord with all your heart...For the sake of his great name the Lord will not reject his people, because the Lord was pleased to make you his own."

i am touched by what samuel has said about God. because i know many times i fall short of God's perfect standard of being sinless and blameless in everything that i do. and i often feel guilt and sometimes i feel like running away from God because of that. and this verse really tells us that God knows our humanity and imperfectness.

he understands that sometimes we may fall and yet he still says that he is pleased to make us his own. and today when we sin, he calls us not to turn away from him...because there is no condemnation is Christ. what we should do is SERVE HIM WITH ALL OUR HEART.

no matter what you have done, God will never forsake you. so hehe...my dear sisters...today don't let sin draw you away from God. but let it remind you how much you need God.

let us all apply it into our lives today k?? God bless. this is von here. hehe.

hello~~ first time blogging....hehe. i think what fiona has said is a very good example of why the bible calls us to be "set apart" for God. i mean the world believes that through pursuing success only can we gain happiness but don't we all know that that is a filthy lie?? fiona i encourage you today to be Christlike in your workplace...this is where God has placed you, and in the darkest of times only can your star shine so bright bright!! don't be discouraged when things around you are bleak but in all circumstances be thankful yeah~ i know its easy to say for me but i know if you ask God today He will bring you through :D

today sol2 was very good. it wasn't ps william but ps josephine...she so crappy~ wahahaha..i like. we prayed in tongues for 20 mins!! and after tat nadine n i prayed in tongues for another 20 mins again while praying for grace to receive tongues :p n its really good...its very good for your spiritman really....i feel so energised and happy even when i have like 2 exam papers tomolo n it's really impossible for me to study everything finish by this time. haha.

but by God's grace i shall study the minimal and use it for the maximal. amen.

next time let us all spent time praying in tongues ok? i had a revelation while reading the bible a few days ago...shall post it up when i have time after exams [which is TOMORROW] haha. take care u guys :) God bless all of u~

yah u guys r right...working life can be so polluted with dirty jokes, lewd comments, vulgar language n bitching. my supervisor tells me to survive in this industry i have to be pushy & persistent in order to meet deadlines....feels like a cold blooded monster to me. my supervisor has been trying to prep talk me into deciding for my future career. graduates find their jobs a year before they graduate....I was often told. i really really dun knoe what am i going to do when i graduate in july next year. No perfect dream n passion. marketing is just an interest n sth i enjoy but have no strong passion for it. when the time comes for me to decide, i will do whatever the Lord wants me to do......I still cant figure out what he has in store of my career. I feel lost.. all i knoe is that he holds my hand. am i trusting him enough? my supervisor was just asking me what i do during the weekends. I say church activities....she told me she used to attend CHC n stopped because she is too busy with work n she finds that after a while the pastors repeat the same stuff again & again. they do but isnt it for a good reason. another backsliding christian. its so sad...i can hear the underlying sarcasm as she assumes the church as my only interest in life and that my attendance in church is to be a pastor or to work for the church. My christian life consist alot more than that n a lot more than what she can imagine!!!!!!!! we dun attend church to be pastors!!!!! y r we christians viewed in this way? like we have some kind of ulterior motive? as if we r a bunch of hypocrites? she made it sound like everyone also can be pastors? these are precious gems specially hand picked by GOD we r talking abt. not every tom, dick n harry like me r up to this job. but what is GOD's calling for me in my life? luv fiona

Coming to blog announcement. Ps Debra has booked MagicBox for us... on Dec6! 2-5pm. woohoo. Our first pre-arranged jamming session!! and according to Des, _ _ _ _ _ has agreed to join us. I guess Von will b learning drums, 'cos Des doesnt want to. But NY n Fiona cant join us. NY, we'll have another power jamming of jay chou songs after their return from mission trip.

Yupz, Fiona.. we'll b praying. Nowadays, i'm seeing more lost sheep. Let's continue with passion praying for the harvest. Believing they'll come and accept Jesus as the answer for their lives! The christmas bash is coming. Sth to get excited about. and NY n I are starting sch too. Make use of our hols... your last call to jio us out. [getting crappy.]

-looking forward to Dec6!!-

Oops. I'm blogging again. (Result of no personal blog?) Yay!! People's exam are coming to an end soon. It's so fast. My exam results are due to b out today. But it's 12.50AM now... n the system is still not showing. Heart's pounding faster... Schoolmate said 8am. Wonder if i can still slp.
Oh yes.. i'm blogging 'cos i got sth to say. NY, Regi n I finally settled down to decide on the subzone T-shirt design. Since we just got new shirts and pple might nt b willing to pay, we've decided to do our own and let u guys view. If u want, den get it. GoOna b good manz. *excited* N it's gonna b a pink T-shirt. ;)
Came across this passage while reading an e-mail daily bread. It spoke to me. Wanna share.
Psalm 51:7-127
Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I willbe whiter than snow. 8 Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice. 9 Hide Your face from my sins and blot outall my iniquity. 10 Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. 11 Do not cast me from Your presence or take Your Holy Spirit from me. 12 Restore to me the joy of Your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

hey, i've seen the new look on our cell blog. i think it rocks. thank u desiree for changing it. we all need a renewal, so does our blog. and i just feel so grateful for this family that god has given me. i really enjoy the time we spend together fellowshiping, worshiping him like yesterday. and all the support, thank u very much. i never really knew i had friends like this and i'm glad god showed me he didn't forget to give them to me. the joy that you guys place in my heart creates a longing in me to yearn for more. and maybe this is the kind of joy that god intends us to have. one that is from the family and when we worship and fellowship together. sometimes i really wish we all didn't have to leave, i wish everyday can be saturday. with god, with you cuz it's really not easy being out there alone. i know everyday can be saturday, but saturday is just a different day. like desiree, i also dunno why i'm blogging here instead of my own. but it just feels different. but right now, this blog is no longer lonely. maybe my own one is. there's a family here and who wouldn't enjoy having a family to blog with. but really, there's still so much more to grow and know each other about cuz when i looked at each of you, i thought what do i know about their spiritual life and what they're facing now? somehow i really can't answer that. it's just a face to me, but behind every face is a story, but one untold. right now, i really feel like i'm so far from who god wants me to be. there's so many things that i haven't done, the attitudes that i didn't realised i had and yet to correct. it's really not easy to put on a whole new set of attitudes tomorrow, but little by little, i'll try to change. the first step of changing is recognising. let's all recognise the problems with our old attitudes and put on new ones today, one by one. god bless you all, especially those with exams. take care. (i really can't wait to jam with our new-formed band. i hope we can do it, as in produce nice music, though we know almost zero about drums, i pray that god will help us. indeed, serve before you seek to be entertained. serve with passion.)

for the cell:
Heavenly Father... I thank you for this wonderful family. Thank you for all the victories won. Lord, i ask that you teach us how to love like how u love us. I ask that you teach us how you see us and your love for us that we can always stand in awe of. Father, I thank you for sending Jesus to be with us. Even as we fail to be there always for each other, You are there for us. Lord, I ask that you continue to do the cleansing work in each of our lives. We give you the freedom to remove any competing thrones in our lives for we want You as our no. 1 always! Though it may be painful but Lord, you promised that that is still the best way out. Remind us to continuously to trust in You - the God who is in control. And never to let the desire for You to die. For You are the air that we breathe. Create in us a pure heart. And guide us in walking right with You each day. Allow each of us to find our significance in You alone Father. May the blood of the lamb be upon us. And bless all those (Von, Des, Mel, Char, YT) who're studying for exams and satisfy each of their needs. Be with Fiona as she starts her attachment. And may the rest make full use of their holidays for You. Thank you Lord. In Jesus' sweetest name i pray, Amen.

Woohoo. I'm still high from the mini worship we had just now. Fiona must join us nxt time!! I love the guitar, i love this family and i love this God! Okay, told u i was high. So magicBox onz? Shall be waiting for you pepz exams to end!

Today was quite terrific. 'Cos Ps Khong msg kinda spoke to me. Last night God showed me this person tat my unkind words are always directed at. My response was "God, do i surgery for my heart." I know whenever I judge pple, I'll judge myself too. So in e end, i end up hating myself. Felt lots of shame, guilt. So Pastor Khong's new beginning from this day really refreshed me. Plus the Holy Sprit gave me a vision of Him visiting me while we were singing "Holy Spirit rain down". I shall guard my heart. -standing in awe of how He saved a wretch like me-

Oh yes, i cant stop singing this. She has decided to follow Jesus, She has decided to follow Jesus, She has decided to follow Jesus, No turning back NO turning back!! These days having this joy within me, can't help being proud of NY. Hey girl, we want you to know, we'll be here for you. Jesus loves you and We do too!

fiona here. so sorry couldnt be there to join u guys...just missed out on another chance to get to knoe u guys better. i feel like a newbie sometimes but u guys have been tolerant as i'm not exactly the easiest person to get along with....having a rather reserved n weird personality that needs lots of warming up before it gets chatty. a split personality? guess i need to move on beyond toking abt generic stuff like school work which gets really really dry after a while. we need more time n more chances to get to knoe each other better, dun we?

after hearing mel's prep talk to the cell group n subzone, i felt a bit guilty. sometimes i hear that little voice in my head saying pray for this person but often i think a bit too much, wait a bit too long, hesitate a bit too much n the opportunity flies away as fast as it came. i am such a bad girl...i dun listen n do what HE wants me to do. no wonder HE doesnt speak to me when i am expecting HIM to. i am listening to too many other voices. i need to change dun i?

another thing was that everyone seems to zip up during the sharing session. i am highly guilty of that...just afraid everyone will sort of look at me with jaundiced eyes n say "i didnt knoe fiona is like dat" actually i wanted to share this during the sharing session but held back coz my bro was ard. actually GOD spoke to me thru mel's prayer...it hit a raw nerve when she said "somebody said some hurtful words to u...i think of family....it created the inferior complex in u" woops the first person that came to my mind was my mum. i had a very unhappy childhood bcoz of her fiery temper that nobody wants to offend. in my face she tells me that i am ugly that i am only good for studying. even if its the truth no girl wants to be told that! its hurtful! its just too bad that i aint a replica of her beauty when she was younger just like my sis. yah thus i always felt inferior to my sis in every way. my mum was e biggest barrier that stopped me fr attending church all these yrs. but i have forgiven her. her recent conversion to christianity helped to improved our relationship n her child like faith continues to amaze me. n i am encouraged by her to attend church! something totally impossible of her in the past. hallelujah!

I will pray i will try to be stronger, to be more positive, to be more beautiful in his eyes!

*applause* for Des! I love tat pic. a new look, a new feel.
I really thank God for the bond I feel in this family. Suddenly I learn to appreciate the passage about each of us having a different role in the family. Through all the after-SOL outings and other gatherings, we've learnt more about each other. Really enjoyed those times we spent together. And NY! We're all rejoicing tat you've overcomed and your love for Jesus stands firm and strong above all else! The angels in heaven rejoices with us. ;)
I really wanna thank God for every single individual in the cell - we won't b complete without everyone of u. (but we're still encouraging more rite?) Thank God for the leader - words r not enough 2 express my gratitude. Thank God for the cross - i marvel at His grace. Thank God for Jesus - the man who showed tat there's hope... in me, for me.
Princesses in Christ, let's continue to shine for Jesus... for in Him, there's hope in the world.